tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-54475854912699764492024-02-19T07:29:55.158-05:00True Success: Ideas About Living And Loving In An Unbalanced Worldis a book written and published by James S. Wells, Jr., MD, in 1991 and will be available in its entirety on this site when all pages have been added. It is being republished, if you will, so that the content may be available to anyone for whom it may have meaning.Jim Wellshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00097604997709072572noreply@blogger.comBlogger43125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5447585491269976449.post-73293217805672710402009-11-17T23:28:00.001-05:002009-11-18T06:08:14.579-05:00True Success: Ideas About Living and Loving In An Unbalanced World<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiG-JC1zkV4cWgELOl1FrVuiJdSS8TQK3d0F96zA_39cQ-yKj76WaqPoO-XIDVsnIQlEcdy3lbEbG-B8-orfWe03dgUoCX1E9RTxMoI13qHCLCDXORwsqQMnfDg5pJ784iSOcDwV9xZ0Ihb/s1600/True+Success.gif" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiG-JC1zkV4cWgELOl1FrVuiJdSS8TQK3d0F96zA_39cQ-yKj76WaqPoO-XIDVsnIQlEcdy3lbEbG-B8-orfWe03dgUoCX1E9RTxMoI13qHCLCDXORwsqQMnfDg5pJ784iSOcDwV9xZ0Ihb/s320/True+Success.gif" /></a><br />
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<div style="color: purple;"><span style="font-size: small;">By James S. Wells, Jr., M.D.</span><br />
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First published in 1991 by Center For Creative BalanceJim Wellshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00097604997709072572noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5447585491269976449.post-7038321791540762722009-11-17T23:26:00.000-05:002009-11-17T23:51:22.319-05:00Preface<div style="text-align: justify;">This book has been partially excerpted from a previous publication by the author entitled <i>A Psychology of Love</i>. Both books encourage the day-to-day practice of principles which can help us secure our daily supply of life's necessities and secure that supply in ways which are more loving for ourselves and equally for others. It is not the intention of the author to advocate any particular religious or political creed.<br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">It is hoped that you will contemplate each page and focus on evaluating its relevance for you personally. If a particular page has special meaning for you, you may wish to open the book to that page and leave it in a conspicuous place. Please also feel free to duplicate a page and put it up somewhere as a frequent reminder to you of a particular helpful idea.<br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">It is also recommended that if you have found the material helpful, systematically re-read it on a regular basis. The author in fact, reads several pages daily in order to reinforce the principles which he has found to be helpful. Meditation following reading opens our spirits to more fully learn what we need to about loving ourselves and others and getting what we need in positive ways.<br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">That which is true in these pages is believed to be a gift from a Power greater than the author, as well as from the author's many teachers who are fellow travelers through this life.<br />
</div>Jim Wellshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00097604997709072572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5447585491269976449.post-11734376982760630102009-11-17T23:24:00.000-05:002009-11-18T06:07:09.794-05:00True success is being able to obtain our day-to-day basic needs while maintaining a loving attitude toward ourselves and others.<div style="text-align: justify;">This implies that in our day-to-day living, we will attempt to balance work, recreation, comtemplation, and sharing time with others.<br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">It is desirable for all of these aspects of our lives to reflect a loving attitude toward ourselves and others to the extent of our current ability. Among other things this would mean that we do our work in a way which is satisfying to us and helpful to others. It also means that obtaining more than we need does not make us more successful.<br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">By this definition, we can all achieve success. The severely handicapped may need extra help from others, but even so, we all can feel competent and loving within the framework of our own particular gifts.<br />
</div>Jim Wellshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00097604997709072572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5447585491269976449.post-57048204030082711722009-11-17T23:22:00.002-05:002009-11-18T08:37:18.509-05:00Emotional turmoil (and much physical illness as well) is usually a manifestation of our fear that we will not be able to get all of what we need. We are often driven to conform to the prevailing values of our society (even when this is not really in our best interests) in hopes that we can be more secure.<div style="text-align: justify;">There are, of course, biological factors which may be sufficient to cause illness or contribute to illness. Even in those instances, however, if we feel insecure or inadequate, these feelings can be made worse by our inability to be what our society values most. And this is likely to intensify an emotional or physical problem or provide a major obstacle to its resolution.<br />
</div>Jim Wellshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00097604997709072572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5447585491269976449.post-90049256685981480682009-11-17T23:20:00.015-05:002009-11-19T11:38:42.036-05:00Our western society values and rewards people who are:<div style="color: #20124d; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>MALE</b></span> (the more "masculine" the better--if female, then the more pleasing to males the better)<br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>HETEROSEXUAL</b></span> (happily married with "successful" children)<br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>WHITE</b></span> (often in the USA and UK also must be Anglo-Saxon and Protestant)<br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>YOUNG</b></span> (and healthy without handicaps)<br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>BEAUTIFUL</b></span> (tall, thin, and well-dressed)<br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>WELL-EDUCATED</b></span> (at the most prestigious institutions and have an appearance of sophistication)<br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>WEALTHY</b></span> (with impressive house, cars, boats, vacation home, luxurious dining, impressive club memberships--to name a few of the often sought signs of wealth)<br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d; text-align: justify;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">POWERFUL</span></b> (prestigious position)<br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>EMOTIONALLY PERFECT</b></span> (without anger [unless righteous indignation], without tears, without depression, without anxiety, and without negative thoughts)<br />
</div>Jim Wellshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00097604997709072572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5447585491269976449.post-10712829378196857762009-11-17T23:18:00.002-05:002009-11-18T08:35:59.564-05:00MALE, HETEROSEXUAL, WHITE, YOUNG, BEAUTIFUL, WELL-EDUCATED, WEALTHY, POWERFUL, EMOTIONALLY PERFECT<div style="text-align: justify;">Success in our western culture is believed by most of us to be determined by the extent to which we fulfill these characteristics or at least appear to fulfill them.<br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">The frantic pursuit of these social values or characteristics is maintained by a fear that without these characteristics we cannot secure our supply of life's necessities. We also fear ridicule or more subtle rejection from parents, authority figures, and peers if we are not these things.<br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">We as a culture have come to value maleness because males have been physically stronger on average than females and could defend us against attack from other men or wild animals. We value power because we believe that if we have it, we will be safe from everything but death from old age. We believe that if we are all the things listed above, we will be able to provide for all our needs, including being safe from intimidation, humiliation, and embarrassment. If we are sufficiently powerful, we believe no one can rob us of our home, food, clothes, or toys. We believe no other men will steal a powerful man's possessions or women (which men have traditionally considered possessions).<br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">The fear of losing what we need has set up a vicious cycle of feelings of powerlessness, prompting efforts to gain power. We will try to gain power directly or through any means available to us. sometimes we may even act weak in order to gain power over an intimidating person who needs to feel strong. We may use sex to gain power, or we may dominate those weaker than we are. Those who are weaker than we are are fearful too and try to gain power in the same ways over those who are weaker still. Unfortunately, this is often a child who grows up afraid and tends to repeat the cycle in one way or another.<br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">Fearful men tend to dominate women, other men, and children. Fearful women dominate children and less powerful women and men. The cycle only ends when love, sharing, cooperation, enlightenment, and forgiveness replace fear.<br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">True success is not achieved by being male, heterosexual, white, young, beautiful, well-educated, wealthy, powerful, and emotionally perfect but rather by being able to obtain our daily basic needs while being loving toward ourselves and each other.<br />
</div>Jim Wellshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00097604997709072572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5447585491269976449.post-77051745164384576532009-11-17T23:16:00.005-05:002009-11-19T11:04:14.332-05:00Pretense is an effort to avoid embarassment or humiliation over not being what we think is expected of a "successful" person.In other words, if we aren't what we think we should be, then there is a tendency to <i>pretend</i> to be what we think we should be.<br />
<br />
William James didn't see much value in pretense and suggested the following equation:<br />
<br />
<b>SUCCESS (actual accomplishments)</b><br />
<b>SELF-ESTEEM</b> <b>= _______________________</b><br />
<b> PRETENSE (unfulfilled expectations which</b><br />
<b> we are pretending to have accomplished) </b><br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">Obviously, in this equation as pretense goes up, self-esteem goes down!<br />
</div>Jim Wellshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00097604997709072572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5447585491269976449.post-14805279979916841662009-11-17T23:14:00.002-05:002009-11-19T00:11:49.760-05:00When thinking of being loving toward ourselves,<div style="color: #20124d;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Love is patient and kind.</span></b><br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d;">I am patient with myself;<br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d;">I do my best for myself;<br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d;">I do not resent myself;<br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Love is not ill-mannered or irritable.</span></b><br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d;">I do not belittle myself;<br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d;">I donot have unrealistic expectations of myself;<br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d;">I am not discourteous to myself;<br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d;">I do not get irritated with myself;<br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>Love is not jealous, conceited, or proud</b></span>.<br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d;">I do not isolate myself from others;<br />
<br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>Love does not keep a record of wrongs.</b></span><br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d;">I do not identify myself with my bad points;<br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d;">I am never condemning of myself;<br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>Love does not like evil</b></span><br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>(hurtful, excluding behavior)</b></span><br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d;">I am not grimly satisfied with myself when I do wrong...<br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>But is happy with the truth.</b></span><br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d;">...on the contrary, I am pleased when I do right;<br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>Love never gives up, and its faith,</b></span><br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>hope and patience never fail.</b></span><br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d;">I am always loyal to myself;<br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d;">I am always hopeful for myself;<br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d;">I always bear with myself.<br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d;"><br />
</div><span style="color: #20124d; font-size: xx-small;">Adapted from Today's English Version of Paul's First Letter to the Corinthians, Chapter 13, verses 4-7 and from a personal letter from Roger J. Corless dated December 17, 1986. </span>Jim Wellshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00097604997709072572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5447585491269976449.post-82520894518104731752009-11-17T23:12:00.003-05:002009-11-18T21:57:38.221-05:00The Golden Rule:<div style="color: #20124d; text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Do unto others </span></b><br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d; text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">as we would have them do unto us,</span></b><br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d; text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;"> is essential, and so is its corollary:</span></b><br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d; text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Do unto ourselves</span></b><br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d; text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">as we would do unto others.</span></b><br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d; text-align: justify;">If we would not be rude, disrespectful, unkind, or irritable to others, then why should we be rude, disrespectful, unkind, or irritable to ourselves?<br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d; text-align: left;">A positive restatement of both the Golden Rule and its corollary might be:<br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>Be loving toward others as we would </b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>have others be loving toward us, </b></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d; font-size: large;"><b>while being just as loving </b></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d; font-size: large;"><b>toward ourselves as we are toward others.</b></span><br />
</div>Jim Wellshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00097604997709072572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5447585491269976449.post-2339801150689519002009-11-17T23:10:00.009-05:002009-11-19T00:46:32.848-05:00We are so sensitive to criticism and often are excessively critical of ourselves because from birth we began to scan the world around us and were especially sensitive to the facial expressions and voice inflections of our parents and other caregivers for signs of approval and disapproval.<div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="color: #20124d;">Because children respond to parents and caregivers in this way, learning occurs about what is safe or dangerous, what is acceptable or unacceptable, what is appropriate or inappropriate, and what is helpful and unhelpful.</span><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="color: #20124d;">Caregivers (parents or otherwise) will contribute through these interactions toward shaping our behavior and value system. If the predominant response to us is DELIGHT, and the predominant attitudes of our caregivers are characterized by patience, kindness, and tolerant acceptance of our attempts to learn helpful from hurtful behaviors, we are likely to feel valued and acceptable even if our behavior falls short of that desired by the caregivers. Clear limits on (and clear explanations of) potentially hurtful behavior with age-appropriate and behavior-appropriate consequences, which are consistently applied when the limits are exceeded, are also helpful to our learning while maintaining our sense of acceptance as a person. In other words, we can keep our acceptance as a person separate from approval or disapproval of our behavior or performance.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #20124d;">If, on the other hand, the caregivers have equated their own worth or sense of acceptability with adherence to prevailing cultural standards of acceptability, then the caregiver will tend to exhibit a lack of tolerance, patience, and kindness toward us and themselves when the standards aren't met. This This is likely to result in a tendency by us to equate the parental disapproval of our behavior with disapproval of us. Our sense of self-worth will be diminished, and we are likely to either stribe intensely to attain the prevailing standards or rebel against one or more of them. In either case, however, we will measure ourselves against these standards in one way or another.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #20124d;">It desirable to respect our parents as people in a position of responsibility who probably have done and are doing the best they can given the circumstances of their own lives. It is important, on the other hand, not to embrace any of their values which do not reflect a loving attitude toward themselves and others (especially toward their child). This means it is helpful to reject any hurtful behavior by our parents while trying to the best of our ability to accept them as people who have acted hurtfully out of their own immaturity, fear, or ignorance.<br />
</span><br />
</div>Jim Wellshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00097604997709072572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5447585491269976449.post-31519676116072453202009-11-17T23:08:00.007-05:002009-11-18T22:19:36.466-05:00Being patient with ourselves and avoiding condemnation of ourselves are especially important and very difficult,<div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="color: #20124d;">particularly for any of us who have not been treated patiently and kindly or who have experienced frequent negative (condemning) criticism. This criticism may have been either verbal or nonverbal through body language. <b>Abusive behavior of any kind by a parent toward a child is always experienced as degrading and condemning.</b></span><br />
</div>Jim Wellshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00097604997709072572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5447585491269976449.post-77037427242295955322009-11-17T23:06:00.008-05:002009-11-18T22:24:30.614-05:00We can know we are lovable when we have once seen it reflected in the face of another.<div style="text-align: justify;">If no one has ever delighted in us for simply being, it is difficult, if not impossible, for us to know that we are lovable. We may believe we are appreciated for what we do, yet we may still feel empty and unlovable.<br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">If we frequently experienced parental distress and ndever had anyone who delighted in us for simply being, we may even think: "If there is a God, and God loves some people, then for some reason God must not love me."<br />
</div>Jim Wellshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00097604997709072572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5447585491269976449.post-38483858150319102412009-11-17T23:04:00.067-05:002009-11-19T11:07:15.458-05:00When we don't feel lovable, we often work real hard looking for love, and often "in all the wrong places."<div style="color: #20124d;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Modern-day Pharisees look for love in a wrong place.</span></b><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">Those of us who are into strict adherence to some kind of religious doctrine seem to be trying to find acceptance through the competitive devotion to the rules of religion.<br />
</div><br />
<div style="color: #20124d;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Yuppies may look for love in a wrong place.</span></b><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">We seem to be trying to find acceptance through prestigious jobs, homes, care, club memberships, graduation from prestigious colleges, having our children take music, horseback riding, dance, tennis, and more.<br />
</div><br />
<div style="color: #20124d;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Do-gooders may look for love in a wrong place.</span></b><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">We seem to be trying to find acceptance through ostentatious (or this may be contrived humility instead) and often frenetically pursued good works like participation in a shelter for the homeless, Meals on Wheels, outreach to prisons, and more.<br />
</div><br />
<div style="color: #20124d;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Academicians may look for love in a wrong place.</span></b><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">We often seem to be trying to find acceptance through a display of our industriousness and our knowledge by acquiring degrees and writing papers and books for a vitae and acclaim.<br />
</div><br />
<div style="color: #20124d;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Fastidious housekeepers may look for love in a wrong place.</span></b><br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d;"><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: small;">We often seem to be trying to find acceptance through extreme attention to maintaining cleanliness.</span></span><br />
</div><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: small;">.</span></span><br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Health enthusiasts may look for love in a wrong place.</span></b><br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: small;">We often seem to be trying to find acceptance through our adherence to what we believe to be the rules of fitness; for example, exercise, meditation, weight control, vegetarian diet, and more.</span></span><br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: small;">All of the activities mentioned above may have beneficial personal and social effects and are not undesirable in and of themselves. They will not alone, however, provide us with a sense of being acceptable no matter how vigorously we pursue them. </span></span><br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: small;">What we in these categories haven't discovered is that we can be lovable--we can be acceptable--without the <i>excessive</i> pursuit of these activities. Being more relaxed about what we do, can still allow for an experience of agency in the world without diminishing our acceptance. This will also allow us to enjoy more of what we do.</span></span><br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: small;">In our quest to gain love or acceptance through frenetic activities, all of us in these and similar categories can inadvertently contribute to our own suffering and to that of others in our various communities. </span><br />
</span><br />
</div>Jim Wellshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00097604997709072572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5447585491269976449.post-86555275015116096152009-11-17T23:02:00.001-05:002009-11-19T11:00:17.965-05:00Joy is a gift worth celebrating and enhancing wherever, whenever, and to whatever extent possible.<div style="text-align: justify;">It is important to look for joy in everyday experiences. Hurry and lack of patience make it difficult if not impossible to see the joyful aspects of our everyday lives.<br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">According to Henry David Thoreau. "We have lived not in proportion to the number of years we have spent on the earth but in proportion as we have enjoyed."<br />
</div>Jim Wellshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00097604997709072572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5447585491269976449.post-5708643289426490092009-11-17T23:00:00.003-05:002009-11-19T11:08:32.754-05:00Happiness and inner peace come from:<div style="text-align: justify;">Solving problems creatively. <br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">Solving problems in cooperation with other people.<br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">Appreciating with all our senses the beauty of the world around us.<br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">Doing our chosen work skillfully and faithfully.<br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">Listening to God's spirit which affirms that our life matters and that we are loved by God.<br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">Asking forgiveness of and making amends to those whom we have hurt if doing so will not hurt them more.<br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">Accepting that there are some situations we cannot change--at least for now.<br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">Helping others.<br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">Living within our time and energy means.<br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">Spending time with friends whom we appreciate and who appreciate us.<br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">Living within our monetary means.<br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">Taking care of ourselves physically through a balanced diet and regular exercise.<br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">Touching lovingly and being touched lovingly by someone who shares in our life and accepts us as we are.<br />
</div>Jim Wellshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00097604997709072572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5447585491269976449.post-10631763113703861502009-11-17T22:58:00.004-05:002009-11-19T12:33:00.292-05:00Some loving ways in which we can shift toward taking better care of ourselves and thereby be more prepared to experience joy and happiness include:<span style="font-size: large;"><b>sensible eating, </b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>regular exercise </b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b> (with stretching before and after), </b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>meditation, </b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>study and contemplation, </b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>adequate rest, </b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>and in general seeking moderation </b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b> (avoiding extremes)</b>.</span><br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">It is very important, however, to avoid condemnation of ourselves for not doing the above or only partially doing so.<br />
</div>Jim Wellshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00097604997709072572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5447585491269976449.post-80559638962117958602009-11-17T22:56:00.000-05:002009-11-19T00:37:49.948-05:00Being truly loving toward ourselves actually makes it easier to share love with others.Jim Wellshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00097604997709072572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5447585491269976449.post-63195860231126810072009-11-17T22:54:00.002-05:002009-11-19T11:05:21.712-05:00Sharing means giving of our resources to someone else in need.<div style="text-align: justify;">This can have real value for the recipient(s) and the giver. It feels good to share.<br />
<br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">It is important, however, not to deplete ourselves to such and extent that our own needs are are not being met. This leads to burnout. Balance is the key. It is important to remember that no one person is the sole repository of goodness in the world.<br />
<br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">Sometimes giving to someone who doesn't really need our help can foster excessive dependency on us, which is not helpful and may even be harmful. It can inadvertently rob someone of an opportunity to experience their own ability to solve problems. Giving just enough help and not too much is the optimal way to share.<br />
</div>Jim Wellshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00097604997709072572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5447585491269976449.post-19350433834071125122009-11-17T22:52:00.003-05:002009-11-19T11:03:38.299-05:00Freely given service to others is usually not so much self-sacrifice but, rather, self-renewal through sharing.<div style="text-align: justify;">We have probably all heard it said that we gain our lives by losing them. What does this mean? Well, whatever else it may mean, it suggests that we receive a sense of renewal and purpose if we give up our self-centered brooding about what isn't the way we would like it to be and focus at least part of our time on voluntarily serving the needs of others without any expectation of payback of any sort from anybody.<br />
</div>Jim Wellshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00097604997709072572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5447585491269976449.post-77424465493060891392009-11-17T22:50:00.001-05:002009-11-21T22:44:05.504-05:00There may be times when one of us will make a self-sacrifice of some kind in order that another of us can receive something especially needed.<div style="text-align: justify;">There are some situations in which the sacrifice of a few (from giving up dinner or sleep or some other relatively small need or comfort to the voluntary risk of or even loss of life) is desirable. This may be a loving and needed way for one person to respond to another. A parent, for example, may give up sleep to attend a sick child. Those individuals who worked to contain the nuclear reactor disaster at Chernobyl are an example of necessary and desirable voluntary self-sacrifice.<br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">It is not helpful to us, however, when we have been self-sacrificial in some way to think that we are more or less worthwhile than the person or persons for whom we have made the sacrifice. We have simply been able for various reasons to provide something which was needed at a time when it was needed.<br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">If we are a "martyr," we tend to derive our sense of self-worth through a pattern of excessive voluntary self-sacrifice. If we are a "scapegoat," we may also eventually come to derive self-worth from self-sacrifice, though initially at least it was imposed upon us by others.<br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">The only truly satisfying relationships are those in which we convey and perceive mutual respect and value without one of us being self-sacrificial any more often than the other (unless one of us has an excess supply of something really needed by another, and this would be more like sharing than self-sacrifice).<br />
</div>Jim Wellshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00097604997709072572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5447585491269976449.post-48974525941284374102009-11-17T22:48:00.000-05:002009-11-19T12:30:21.209-05:00When thinking of being loving toward others,<div style="color: #20124d; text-align: justify;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Love is slow to lose patience.</span></b><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="color: #20124d;">May I be content to wait without becoming angry when others fall below the expectations I have set for them.</span><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b><span style="color: #20124d;">Love is kind and constructive.</span></b></span><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="color: #20124d;">May I be cautious in my judgments towards others and honestly seek to be a healing rather than a hurting presence in my relationships.</span><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><b><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #20124d;">Love is not possessive.</span></span></b><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="color: #20124d;">May I not have to be in control of every conversation and situation.</span><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><b><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #20124d;">Love is not anxious to impress.</span></span></b><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="color: #20124d;">May I relax with whomever I am associated and not feel I have to be the life of the party in order to feel secure.</span><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Love is not arrogant</span></b>.</span><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="color: #20124d;">May I have a balanced view of my place in the body of humankind.</span><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b><span style="color: #20124d;">Love has good manners.</span></b></span><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="color: #20124d;">May I respect the rights and dignity of others enough not force thoughtless behavior upon them.</span><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><b><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #20124d;">Love is not self-centered.</span></span></b><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="color: #20124d;">May I find pleasure in the happiness of others.</span><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: #20124d;">(Adapted from a responsive reading which was part of a worship service at The Olin T. Binkley Memorial Baptist Church, Chapel Hill, NC, in March 1984.)</span></span><br />
</div>Jim Wellshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00097604997709072572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5447585491269976449.post-30017456282619168642009-11-17T22:46:00.001-05:002009-11-19T12:31:06.542-05:00Women and men in general and men in general and men and women as individuals have differences and equal value.<div style="text-align: justify;">If our telephone requires repair, then a neurosurgeon who doesn't know about repairing telephones is not likely to be very helpful.<br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">If our shirt needs mending, then a lawyer who doesn't know how to sew is not likely to be very helpful.<br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">If our water pipe bursts, then a professor who doesn't know about plumbing is not likely to be very helpful.<br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">If our child needs teaching, then an astronaut who doesn't relate well to children is not likely to be very helpful.<br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">And so it goes. We all need one another. Sometimes we may need a certain person and their attributes more than anyone else, yet on balance, women and men in general and men and women as individuals have differences and equal value.<br />
</div>Jim Wellshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00097604997709072572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5447585491269976449.post-82726607344731339812009-11-17T22:44:00.001-05:002009-11-19T12:57:31.356-05:00Patience (with ourselves and each other) is probably the most important characteristic of love.<div style="color: #20124d; text-align: justify;">Patience does not mean avoiding all confrontation, but it does mean letting go of (not sweating) the small stuff. It does mean avoiding personal attacks and condemning intonations and expressions when confronting what we believe to be undesirable attitudes and and behaviors in each other (including our children and our mates) or ourselves.<br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d; text-align: justify;">It is helpful when attempting to be patient with others to think about how we would feel if our situations were reversed.<br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d; text-align: justify;">Sharing information about our preferences and opinions can be very helpful in our relationships with each other, while reprimands, admonitions, and condescending attitudes are less likely to be helpful and may even be very hurtful and harmful (the more severe and more frequent, the more hurtful and harmful). When we have acted in these negative ways, an apology is almost always in order and can help temper the damage we have done.<br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d; text-align: justify;">It is important to remember that we get angry and lose patience out of fear that we are going to lose something we need. If we can identify the fear, we often can regain our patience as we consider whether what we need is really currently threatened or whether there is some other way to obtain what we need.<br />
</div>Jim Wellshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00097604997709072572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5447585491269976449.post-1935949491159508162009-11-17T22:42:00.016-05:002009-11-19T13:04:38.264-05:00Anger is a normal human emotion filled with energy.<div style="color: #20124d; text-align: justify;">Having a loving attitude does not preclude being angry sometimes.<br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="color: #20124d;">Anger is always a response to frustration and fear. Because of its energy, it can e an important component in changing attitudes and behaviors which are unhelpful, or it can be an unhelpful, destructive force which compounds our frustration, fear, or sadness. It is what we do with our angry feelings which makes all the difference. it is always important to transform our energy which coming form anger into positive rather than negative action.</span><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="color: #20124d;">It is sometimes helpful to transform our anger by vigorous physical exercise. This can clear our minds and allow us to consider our options without the confusion of severe anger. After vigorous exercise, writing down our angry feelings rather than exploding them verbally can often be a constructive way to express anger and perhaps understand its source. After writing down our feelings, we may want to share what we have written with the person with whom we are angry and ask them to respond to us in writing. This will often help diffuse the intensity of the anger and lead to a solution.</span><br />
</div>Jim Wellshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00097604997709072572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5447585491269976449.post-34238864226419598112009-11-17T22:40:00.002-05:002009-11-19T13:10:48.846-05:00When we're irritable or otherwise feeling angry, it is because we are feeling threatened. It can be helpful to ask ourselves, "From where does my fear and anger really come? Is my life really in immediate danger?"<div style="color: #20124d; text-align: justify;">Anger always has beneath it frustration and fear.<br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d; text-align: justify;">This frustration and fear often have more to do with previous situations or with other people we have known than with our present circumstances.<br />
</div><div style="color: #20124d; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="color: #20124d;">Very intensely felt emotions usually are drawing their extreme intensity from past experiences. We may fear (conscious or otherwise) that previous insecurities, hurts, or threats will be experienced again in the present or future.</span><br />
</div>Jim Wellshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00097604997709072572noreply@blogger.com0